So this is it.. the probable half of my life. A short resumee..

Grewing up in a religious family, I am lately thinking to the story of the Farmer who gave his workers a certain amount of money. Letting them decide what to do with it. There was a worker who did put it on a bank, to make more profit. Another one went to a bar and drank it away. And another one digged a hole in the dirt and burried it, so he could not lose it. The first one doubled his money. The second at least had a good hang over. But the last one didn´t use it for living and in the end of his life, it was still the same. I don´t know if that story was told this way in the bible. But thats not important haha… the important thing is the essence of the story..

It was often said to us, that we all get a gift, that is in our responsibility to use wisely. Even when I am not living a church lifes anymore, I still remember some stories that Jesus told, and find wisdom in it.

And now at the half of my life I look back, and think: ye.. what did I do with the potencial, that was given to me. Did I use it wisely? How much did I care to make my life worth living?

Honestly, I wish I could say, I did all right. But when I am honest, my life is a big chain of mistakes, wrong decisions, taking wrong turns and ending up in a situation I didn´t see me with 40. I cannot even say that I followed my heart always, in order to present my actions in a more positiv light. Cause often I made decision for others, or what I thought others would want me to do. Then after that I tried the oposite, going recklessly for whatever I want, not what anybody like me to do. Which was also not wise.

And now with 40 I come into this quagmire, feeling that I need to stand up for myself. If I wanna be happy. Standing up truely for oneself is the hardest lesson to learn in life. While making it fair for all the people you love.  I still wonder: is it possible to make others happy and me also. Or is it always a compromise, or a situation of: one or the other. Why it is so hard to be happy and make others happy too?

One thing is for sure: I grew up. And all my mistakes and shitty decisions made me face myself in the end. Made me a woman. But somehow it feels, like I am standing again there, getting this bag with money/potencial in the hand. And life asking me to use it wisely. Wasted the first half of my life more like the second guy. Now I wanna invest my gift and make it to something wonderful. Worthy.

Becoming 40.. 2 weeks to go. I feel relieved of letting that 40 years of the past behind. It was filled with experiences of 3 lifes. Each chapter feels far away and often like someone else must have lived it.

My dear kids, I havn´t been the best mom. Being this restless, searching Mom, it often have been hard to be my child. And realizing, that I was wounded as child, I acted out often and wounded my kids with my decisions and ways of life. It kinda sucks. Knowing I cannot turn it back, I can just try to look forward, to be a better me. For them. For myself.

And therefor I am suprisingly looking forward with kind of joy. To take this bag of potencial and create a life for me and my kids.We came this far! Also reason to be proud and thankful.

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